i feel the need to make it widely known that i quit smoking. i feel like this will keep me accountable, but not only that, i also feel like it's a great accomplishment considering what's come my way recently.

a month or so ago i tried to quit -- well, not really, i just resolved not to buy cigarettes anymore -- but got into a big fight with ben and decided that i didn't want to deprive myself. a few weeks later i decided i'd quit over thanksgiving, when i wouldn't have to deal with cravings at work and when i'd be able to go jogging at will to replace the needed chemicals.

then the hand of fate -- let's give it the face of the giant cigarette from the doonsbury cartoon -- plopped a breakup in my lap, several days before the planned Quit. did that deter me? no, i went home as planned, jogged as planned, and drank can after can of my parents' diet soda as planned. i was fine.

then fate sent me a couple hours in the airport yesterday afternoon of time i'd have to kill, at a time when i was sadder than i'd been in a week, looking for comfort in every corner of my head and not finding it, and seated facing out into the street, staring at a lineup of smokers getting their final fix before their smoke-free flight. did i give in? no. i made the decision once every 30 seconds to reject my beloved community of smokers. it was hard but i was fine.

i got home and jogged a long jog but when you're really sad it never helps as much as you think it will. then fate sent me the news that ben had kissed another girl, not a week after i'd left his bed for the last time. my heart felt shredded and raw and completely tender and vulnerable. maybe it needed some tar to toughen it up. i thought of the comfort of sitting out on my porch slash fire escape, looking up at the stars and into the homes of the people in the apartment building across from me, holding my miniature fire in my hand and breathing in the warm numbing smoke. instead i crawled into my bed and cried myself to sleep, which is starting to become a familiar way of falling asleep these days. it was hard but i woke up and i didn't even miss that one cigarette i didn't have, and i was fine.

i'm doing this because i realize that smoking probably isn't going to be as comforting as i think it will be. just like contacting ben is never as comforting as i think it will be. ben was like a bad habit .. he made me happy in the moment, when i was with him, but when i wasn't with him my soul was sick and getting sicker. quitting ben is painful but in the long run it's good for me. in the meantime i just have to experience the pain, take what fate gives me, and try to find comfort somewhere else. chocolate maybe.